Im on

the moon again.

she finally said okay.

phew!

On the moon again. On the moon.

:))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am

distraught.

Why Can't

life just be easier?

Decisions be easier?

Relationships just work?

People just let you make your own decisions?

Mother's just care enough to sometimes leave us alone?

They just let us make our own mistakes?

Why can't we just fall and pick ourselves up?

I know that mothers are supposed to protect you from making thier mistakes, but sometimes in doing that, they prevent us from making our own mistakes and learning from them. Sometimes we just need to figure stuff out by ourselves.

I guess I just have a mind on overload.

But I do

wonder. Are Jesse and I starting from square one again?

It would make sense, but at the same time it doesn't.

You know?

Well, whatever. I'll just go with the flow.

Lol.

Wow

So I really haven't updated this in a while....hhmm, so I guess I left off at the Sleepover right? let's start there.

So I have started talking to Jesse again, I guess I never really stopped, we just had shorter conversations? Idk, but anyway, we started talking again. And well, we started talking about us going back out. He asked me if I would go out with him if he asked. I said I would. Then after a little, he, well, asked me back out. :) Awesomeness. :) So we are finally back together, but I'm going to have to break this to my friends, they will probably call me crazy, but know they will stand behind me, Mia especially. She'll probably yell at me first, but in the end, she knows that he makes me happy. So it's all good. My mother, that's another story. Lol.

I'm doing a lot of filing at work. We are finally trying to organize the Central Filing Room. It's crazy, there were 10 boxes of files sitting around, from like 1985! We had to have them pick up our recycling box twice every other day, and give us a another one. So I'm making a lot more folders, and updating the directory of the files we have in there. Lot's of work. In an entire day, I got through to the letter C because there were so many files!

Other than that, my mom is home, so she's cooking a lot more, which is actually really good, because then I can bring actual food to work and not just frozen stuff. Yay!

Other than that, nothing really. Life as normal.

When Mia gets back, I need to hang with her, along with Jesse, I might have to get Marcus in on that one........lol.

So yeah, done! TTYL!

This weekend

was AMAZING!!!!!!

So Vicky picked me up at 10am on Saturday and we went back to her house, dropped off my stuff hung out. Then Coggs came along and we sat on the porch talking and looking at yearbooks. The yellow chair hated me. I sat in it and it came down on my head, laid back and i fell off. It was great lol. We ate lunch then went to see HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!! It was amazing lol. We went to El Mariachi for dinner and hung loose the rest of the night. Went to Harris Teeter to pick up The Haunting In Connecticut. Watched that along with other scary movies. Then watched 10 Things I hate About you. We transferred that to a portable DVD Player and I fell asleep first. I woke up to shaving cream on my nose and Vicky and Meggo laughing. They put it on my back and wrote their names in it. We then stayed up until 5 in the morning talking. Meggo fell asleep for a little and we talked to her, not knowing she was asleep. We were like Hey Meggo. she said yeaaah, and it went like that for a while until I said Hey Megga what would you do if Liam was here, she said yeaaaah. I went Makeout!!!! then she goes, wait what? all i heard was Liam here and makeout. Vicky and I busted out laughing. Meggo was asleep! it was amazinggggg. Sunday we went to church and i saw Dane.It was great. Oh! and Saturday at dinner Vicky was all, I have a Catholic and a Jew coming to Church! All I need is a Muslim! It was great. And I accidentally hit the waiter in the crotch. OOPPSS lol!!!!!! But Sunday we were getting ready to Tye Dye shirts when my sis called and said my mom was sick and I had to get home. Sucks!!!! But I had an A-m-a-z-i-n-g!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! weekend! It was the best. (Vicky feel free to comment and correct! <3)

Descisions, Descisions, Descisions

My mom says that I need to stop talking to Jesse, that I need a break from him. She said that I was going back to what was familiar and if I keep up with it then I won't move on. She kept saying that he was an ass and he doesn't deserve me. She said that I have a fear of men because of my father, and while everyone gets scared in relationships, I have a harder time. She said I don't need a guy that calls me a skeleton, I need someone that calls me beautiful. IDK, I guess it makes sense but at the same time, it doesn't.



I'm not going to him because he' familiar. He's one of my best friends, and I love him. Sure he's familiar, but not for the reaon shes thinking, i think. And he did call me beautiful at one point. He might have been lying(probably was) but i guess it didnt matter if he was lying to me at that point.



But it's true at the same time. I don't need a guy that calls me skeleton. Why should I be freinds with a guy that insults me all the time. Why should I like a guy that is so infuriating sometimes. I just don't know. It's hard to not talk to him, but all signs point to stop. I just wish i had an easy answer right now. Like give me a sign that says yes or no, and it's already checked. But life isnt easy, and it never will be. Ugh. I guess I have some things to think about. Lol, maybe I'll run it by Vicky on Saturday.

Also,

I've been thinking about what Jesse said when we broke up about how it didn't mean that we can't go back out in the future. I honestly don't think that we will get together. I really wish it to be true, I really do. But i don't think it will happen. He said not to lose all hope. I know I won't, I know I'll be upset if it doesn't happen, but on the other hand, I kinda don't expect it to. He doesn't really look back at the past, and I'm the past. I loved him more than he loved me to. He might still love me, IDK. I know I will always love him. But I'm starting to doubt that we will get together in the future. I hope that we do, I will still have hope. But I won't be as disappointed if we don't. And if we do and break up again, that would really hurt. I don't want an off again on again relationship with him. I'm not trying to be clingy, but if I'm with him, I want to stay with him for a while. And if we break up, I'm sorry but i don't think i could go out a third time. It would kill me. He means so much to me. He doesn't even know how much. But I just don't think I could do it again. I couldn't take that pain again.

He's the guy with the saying, "You broke my heart, but I still love you with all the little pieces."

This Weekend

Has been pretty great. Friday I got out of work early for a dentist appointment to get fitted for my night guard, and just relaxed.

Saturday my mom made me do the treadmill, I was a complete bitch about it though. I really didn't want to do it, nor did I think I need to, so my mom made me make breakfast for her. After that, it took me like two hours to clean my room, while talking to Jesse. But it wasn't that he was distracting me, my room was a total disaster. And I was telling him that he should get out asap!!!!!!!! of his relationship. Then we finished the flooring upstairs. It looks great! I am defiantly proud of myself with that. My mom and I did a really great job. It's a awesome loft/hangout/apartment! Then Rachel's ex boyfriend came over. That was fun. My mom and I watched Knowing. I don't know why that got panned. It was actually a pretty good movie. But then again, America is stupid. Lol. I saw VICKY!!!! And we planned on hanging out this weekend, but she said I should sleepover, well I asked my mom and she said yes. So I'm sleeping over Vicky's house Saturday. She wants to milk it for all it's worth to. She's picking me up at 10 in the morning on Saturday. I CANNOT! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, I woke up MEGA SORE from the treadmill yesterday and my mom made me do the treadmill again. And I was a bitch again, so we aren't seeing Harry Potter opening night. IT KILLSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALWAYS see it opening night! UUUGHH!!!!! TORTURE!!!!!!! But I'll see it on Friday possibly Thursday. Ok. Fine. But after that, I was MEGA MEGA SORE. My mom said that it doesn't hurt her that much and she does the same work out, she said I was in worse shape. I don't careeee!!!!!!!!! lol. Rachel broke up with her boyfriend, he was an ass and practically cheating on her. It's hard for her, but she'll pull through. And I definitely want to hurt the guy, I have a few colorful things in mind. Lol. But I can't do them sadly. My sister and I spent all Sunday in the loft watching Disney Channel. It was awesome.

So now Monday, I'm a work, actually drinking coffee. I never do. Really sore, and tired. And thinking lol. Everyones here so yay! busy lol. Maybe. lol.

So yeah, that's about my weekend. It was pretty busy and exciting. Yay!!!

I don't know what I'd do without her

She is my bestest friend ever. And we shall stay that way forever!

Amanda:
i think i'll stay single for a long time
a really really long time
vicksterr,:
haha, and then you'll meet a sexy danielle radcliff rpattz man and will fall in love and live happily ever after
PMAmanda:
ahahahahahha. yup yup
with the body of zach efron
PMvicksterr,:
i'd marry rpattz.
even if he doesn't bathe.
i'd marry that
9:55 PMAmanda:
and id get daniel, even if he acted like a horses lover
and then our husbands would already be friends
and we are best friends
and wed raise our kids together!
itd be perfect lol!
9:57 PMvicksterr,:
and then our children would get married and we'll be in the SAME FAMILY
life would be good
PMAmanda:
seriously good!
itd be the perfect ending
PMvicksterr,:
haha, and we'd be neighbors.
life would be good.
PMAmanda:
ahaha. wed like go over each others house for breakfast everyday.
Mvicksterr,:
and slumber parties when we are like 60.
PMAmanda:
and still do everything the same.
PMvicksterr,:
hahaha. life is good.
PMAmanda:
wed like take vacas together
ahahahaha the best life
PMvicksterr,:
to new zealand because we were rich and we could
PMAmanda:
and to europe cause were rich and our husbands have dual citizen ship
PMvicksterr,:
and i'd get a chin reduction.
:D
and plastic surgery so i don't have to diet.
why because i am lazy.
PMAmanda:
ahaha. and id lipo my thighs
PMvicksterr,:
i'm have the fat from my thighs put into my toosh
i'd have a bootay!
PMAmanda:
thats what id do to!
PMvicksterr,:
:DDDD
what the?
D: face!
PMAmanda:
:D
PMvicksterr,:
*D
PMAmanda:
D:
PMvicksterr,:
8D ahhhh
PMAmanda:
:P
ahaha
:/
vicksterr,:
i hate preset smilies
[insert code here]
PMAmanda:
me to
PMvicksterr,:
whoaaaa what's tha
PMAmanda:
they are always so ugly
Mvicksterr,:
?@1
I LOVE THIS SONG

We learned,

today, that my mom's friend Tracy died on the second. They have been trying to call us since then but because we didn't have a working phone until recently, they couldnt reach us. It was so sad, so sudden, so young. My mom is pretty upset. I am to. I know her son pretty well, he used to have a major crush on me lol. But we were pretty good friends. I'm so sorry for him. He's only 18, and she was only 50. It was such a shock to us.

I kinda feel, well IDK. I think honestly I'm having an overload of emotions. The five I feel the most right now, Sleepiness, sadness, loneliness, shock, compassion. Idk. I think that maybe I'm feeling too much that I feel sort of.....void, empty. Lol, i know one of my friends would say that this is why they hate emotions, but sometimes its good to get an overload. I have them once in a while. Im not myself during that time, but it sort of.....realigns me i guess. Idk. Right now, maybe I just need sleep, and to cry. I really feel like crying. But I can't lol. Pathetic right?

And I want to tell something to someone, but I can't. It'd be worthless to try. It's not like they feel it back. It'd be unrequitted. So it's stupid to even mention it, even if it might be a burden off my chest. I can't tell them. I can't tell them the thing that I feel they should know.

Realizations, OK, fine only one

So this morning I weighed myself. Second time in a row. I looked at the scale and saw that i actually lost some weight that I had previously gained. I was actually upset about that. I mean I'm not as self concious as I was before. I'm not scared to gain weight, well up to a certain amount. Right now I weigh about 140. I used to weigh 136. I woulnd't mind going to 150. But it got me that I was actually upset about LOSING weight, not GAINING it. I think subconsiously I was gaining to, well, get someone intrested. I won't name, but yeah. I was gaining to get the attention of a guy. How stupid can I be. And i didnt realize this until I thought about it in the shower. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid Amanda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I went out on another date with this guy. We went to the concerts in my neigborhood. It was nice actually. I was happy that none of my nosey neighbors came up to us. But, anyway. It was nice. I felt a little weird but okay. But at the end of the night, we did a really small kiss. And I tell you, I didn't feel anything. Shut up, I am a romantic. But I just didnt FEEL anything you know? Like when I kissed Jesse, it was like, butterflies, fireworks. I just FELT something. This guy, nothing. Even though it was the smallest peck i the world lol. I kinda dread it. IDK> I think I really do need to cut it off. For me, it just isn't working. IDK......uuugggghhhh.....

Well, on another note, my sister's bf is coming over on Saturday for Dinner. That should be interesting. LOL!!!!!

Twitter?

Honestly I don't get the whole big deal about Twitter? It just looks like a bunch of status updates, nothing interesting. But whatever floats your boat. I like my blog. I'll keep my blog. Maybe I'll get a Twitter, when I absolutely have to. Vicky has a Twitter, I like reading hers, but i wouldn't get one myself.

So we found out that the "leak" in our driveway was because Rachel kept the hose water on, stupid right? My mom is waiting for it to completely dry up before she cancels the appointment we had with somebody for it lol.

My back hurts and I'm freaking tired. All I want to do is sleep, sadly lol. But the weird thing is, I can't get to sleep at night, for the past week it's hard for me to fall asleep. I have no clue why either. It's really annoying. All I want is sleep, and it isn't happening. Maybe I will exercise before bed, that will help me sleep i guess. Ugh.

I have to leave work early for a dentist appointment on Friday. Night guard fitting, and no, the night guard that I'm getting will look like the invisaline braces. I need it because apparently I grind my teeth in my sleep and they are getting as flat as pancakes. I still need to straighten my teeth to. I had braces for 4 years about, and my teeth still aren't that straight. I sucked my thumb until I was 12 lol.

Hmm...that gives me an idea for a new post, my fears lol.

well, I shall leave you with Check yes Juliet.

check yes Juliet
I'll be waiting
wishing, wanting
yours for the taking
just sneak out
and don't tell a soul goodbye
check yes Juliet
here's the countdown
3...2...1... now fall in my arms
now they can change the locks
don't let them change your mind

If any guy ever sang that to me, I think I'd melt.

Suprising,

They didn't murder 10 Things I hate About You too Badly. It was actually pretty good. So I saw that last night, I'll watch the next episode on the 14th. While I was watching that, my mom and sister were using the new exercising machine. I don't want to use that. I don't thnk I need to.

So, I'm at work now, nobody's here right now. The City Manager is in the City Center Office today so it should be pretty quite. Yay! lol.

I get to hang out with Vicky next weekend. She will be TAKEN! by me. That should be mega fun! :)
Hmmm......we just have to figure out what to do....hhhhhmmmmmm.......we'll figure it out lol! Yay! So excited to get to hang with her. FINALLY!!!!

50th post!!!!

The Cheese Stands Alone

The Cheese Stands Alone

Hi Ho The Diaryo

The Cheese Stands Alone

I am a so bored that I have that song stuck in my head.

MUST-TURN-ON-CD-PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There we go, Death Cab for Cutie will help :)

Anyway, I am sooo bored.

I was talking to Jesse before I left work

Apparently my blog is cute......idk.

Ask him, he said it. But i guess thats nice. My blog is cute. IDK how its cute, but it is. Now what i dont get is that my blog is cute, and lol. How can that happen? lol!!!

Yeah, so, at 8 o'clock I want to watch the premiere of the TV Show, 10 Things I Hate About You. Let's see how bad they murder it lol. But if its good, maybe I'll keep up with it for a little. I always want to but I end up dropping it like a month later. Suckz. So yeah, I'm bored, and hungry. Need Food. Hmmmmm.......must find food.

this is Jesse and what he thinks about my blog.

Jesse

you and your blog of infinite lol-ocity

11:33pmAmanda

ouch

11:34pmJesse

sorry

it's just that it's cute

11:34pmAmanda

no you arent

11:34pmJesse

i know i'm not cute

11:34pmAmanda

wait what?

my blog is cute?

11:35pmJesse

yes

yes

11:35pmAmanda

how is my blog cute and lol

11:35pmJesse

lol

it is

Micheal Jackson

I was watching Michael Jackson's memorial service on TV and the Internet(stupid PC is slow!). It just ended. And well, they want to pass a bill that claimed MJ as a humanitarian and a musical icon. Well, i completely understand that, but i have to say that they should have done it while he was alive. It would have probably made more sense. And half of these stars really didn't know MJ, but they are getting in it for publicity.

Now the family. OK. The daughter Paris, she started crying while talking about her father. My heart goes out to those kids. It's a hard thing losing a parent so young. Michael was still too young to die. He was only 50, soon to be 51. That's sad. He was a musical genius, he will be like Elvis, his work will never stop selling. I tell you I do want his album Thriller. I love Thriller, the dance moves are amazing.

But to end this, it's just so sad. We did lose the King of Pop, and he will be missed, but now it's time to move on. End the tributes and the news, we need to get back to life.

Just Thinking

I've been thinking about this guy that I have been on what 2 dates with. He's a nice guy and everything, but he said somethings that made me uncomfortable. I talked to my mom about it and she said that I should do what I feel best. She said that if i don't "feel" it anymore, then I should just break up with him, but it is only the second date, so maybe it needs time. Jesse said that I should just break it. Lol, but Jesse is logical lol. Idk, I think I'll wait until after wednesday, give it another chance, cause I'm sweet like that, then see, and if no, then tell him that it's over. I think that's the best.

But I was also talking to my friend Matt, he said that after I talked to Jesse, I complelty changed my views. I did not. I combined them. But I realized that he does have a big influence over me, he might use that sometime lol if he reads this. But it's true, he does. Matt says that if I got rid of Jesse, there goes drama and the influence. But I still don't know if I can let go. Jesse said that he'd like to keep me as a friend, but maybe he's scared that I'll let go of all his secrets, which is like none. Lol. Idk. I still haven't got a resolve. And I'm a wimp, so it works out lol.

Yup. Well, hopefully I'll be able to hang out with Victoria soon. My mom said that I could after the loft is finished, that should be done this week. So I might be able to hang out with her next week. I'll have to send her a message so we might be able to make plans.

But that's about it. Other than the fact that it hurts so move I'm so freakin sore from painting and ice skating lol.

Updates!

Hmmm......where to start, where to start........

I told Jesse off yesterday.It felt good lol. He called my poetry lame, and my blog lol. My blog is not supposed to be lol. And my poetry, just because he can't reflect emotions doesn't mean that no one else can. So don't call my poetry lame when you might not even know the definition(in emotions, don't start quoting Merriam-Webster) of happiness. My poems reflect my personal thoughts and experiences. You can't call that lame. So, thanks Jesse. Thanks for hurting me, once more.

Work is fun. Brenda is awesome. It's sad that my last day here is the day I graduate, but maybe I can find a job here that's part time. That would be nice. I have to find another job in the fall. As always.

My mom and I are painting and putting in new flooring upstairs. It's hard work, but totally worth it in the end. The upstairs will look AMAZING. And my sister and I will have our own personal apartment up there. (I'll be living at home when I'm in college.)

I went out on a date last Wednesday and had an amazing time. So we will be going out again. :D

But anyway, I believe that is it, you are now up to date. Yay!
I should be able to post more often now. If I don't it's because I'm too tired to do it lol.